The following is a 5-day glance at some difficult moments that God has used to bring me back to him…and redeem a father’s heart:
- Saturday morning – I had the privilege of joining other pastors and worship at a conference. I was three hours away but getting home seemed to take forever thanks to some hurricane-related traffic. The reunion at home was perfect; I was both excited to be with my family and rejuvenated from the time with other leaders. That is, until…
- Sunday – “I don’t wanna go to church.” Our day began with feelings of frustration especially as the kids resisted our Sunday morning ritual. Our morning worship experience went well, of course. But emerging from our family time in church, I had some fresh urgings to read the bible again with my children at bedtime. So a plan was set…only to be challenged by the evening meal, not eating+whining drama. Alas, early bedtime. “We will try again tomorrow,” I tell myself…no-so-convincingly.
- Monday – I kept thinking: “We have to read tonight.” And yet again, we had another battle before bedtime. In spite of the chaos of jammies, oral hygiene, clean up, etc., we pushed through and actually had “Bible time” — (although I certainly felt a healthy dose of hypocrisy).
- Tuesday – This is the day I completely lost my patience. I’ve heard parents talk about how parenting makes them more patient…but I swear, this is the day when I realize I have none. Thank God for bedtime… but wait, we have to read before bed. Here’s when it hits me like a tackle from behind, “Justin, you need to pray for them.”
I realized that in all our daily “prayers” I had stopped praying for them. So hours later, I use my super-stealthy tooth fairy/ninja footsteps to enter their room and fall on my knees. That night I prayed over them while they slept.
In some ways, it’s easier, since I do not have interruptions or the need to translate my phrasing to little ears. In another way, it’s more terrifying. As I bow my head and hold my little boy’s arm, I lay my heart out before God and feel the humbling need to repent of my attitude. My heart floods again with the love I have and the love I choose to have for these little minions. I am reminded of my dreams for them… that these days are passing quickly… that there is a day when I will stop raising them. All I could think (as I wept for my sin) was that they deserve better …and that I needed healing. - Wednesday morning (today). As I write this entry, I have just put Joshua in the car for Holly to take him to preschool only to realize that the Spirit was convicting me:
“Joshua?” [he begins to get situated in the car.]
“Joshua, can you look at me?” [I hold his face to look at mine…hoping to get his full attention.]
“Son, I am so sorry for being mean to you lately. I love you so much and I love the little man that you’re becoming. Will you forgive me?” [He nods. Probably baffled at the words I just spoke. But I grab him anyway, we hug, and I knew that he knew I said something important for me.]
So I write this today out of a call to authenticity. For I read and know these words:
For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
Proverbs 3:12 NLT
AND
Fathers, do not make your children resentful. Otherwise, they’ll become discouraged.
Colossians 3:21 ISV
…and I am reminded of the true heart of my heavenly Father and leader in parenthood.
I am not a perfect father. But I have one.
I am not very patient. But I am forgiven.
I am not always present. But He still walks with me.
Friends and readers, parenthood is not about having the correct response and attitude in all encounters with our kids. It’s about learning about the love of our perfect Parent. The One who raises us and molds us into better stewards of these precious lives.
If you, like me, struggle with your attitude today (or lately), I dare you…sneak into their room tonight and unleash everything on the throne of heaven. Hold nothing back. Perhaps your child, like mine, is waiting for the same words: “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
I for one and am glad my Father is teaching me this on my journey to holiness.
Not Just a Corner 